ADAM AND EVE GO TO SUMMER CAMP

Occasionally, a romantic interest will enter my life and trigger every bullshit belief I have about myself. I call it a “God Shot.” While sojourning in Maine, I explored my new found relationship to dating and created personal disruption through play, adventure, and parts of myself that were fighting to co-exist.  It was a wild departure from the mundane and predictable existence in DC and Baltimore. 

Dating over the past eight years around the DC Metropolitan area consisted of a tempered world of dirty martinis at upscale hotel bars and dry intellectual conversation about the state of the world — not to mention stoic restrictive bragging of our respective careers. Both parties always arrived in work attire, which broadcasted the expectation that we were doing something important. Overtones of overwhelm aka “I am so busy” were standard operating procedure which translated to, “I have poor boundaries and I hate myself”. Due to our emotional unavailability, alcohol consumption was was a must to calm our hyper goal focused and tightly scheduled existence. 

Dating in Maine turned my existing world upside down.  The focus of unadulterated adventurous fun, laced with personal freedom, felt like a new drug I couldn’t get enough of. Not to mention, I was sober. A first date of rock climbing and enjoying scenic views of the picturesque Acadia National Forest kept me frozen in time as my date and I enjoyed truffle goat cheese, fresh grapes and laughter from the local market. We laughed, enjoyed curious questions and slowly built intimacy.  It was like a scene out of the Notebook but with a little more rugged beauty.

I appreciated my date Simon’s laid-back approach to life. I admired that he wholeheartedly leaned into his love of climbing early in his 20’s and took over ownership of a rock climbing school, which he has cherished over the last thirteen years. 

We initially met in a parking lot across from his downtown Bar Harbor office. Simon slowly approached me in a laid-back white linen shirt and a sweet smile as he opened his arms for a warm embrace.  As I leaned in to hug him, I noticed safety in his energy. My body sunk into itself and felt alive and present. I was safe here, and it wasn’t in an electrically charged kind of way that I was used to in my past. It felt kind and sweetly masculine —an energy that is becoming more attractive as I progress in my recovery. 

Allowing someone else to fully lead and just enjoy the ride is so foreign to me. Speaking boldly and honestly about my current life decisions and about who I am without oversharing satiates me with confidence and an intrigue to know more about him. What a gift it is to be on the receiving end of someone asking thought out, curious questions and deeply listening. For the first time in years, I allow myself to just have fun and feel free.

As we look out onto the beautiful view of the horizon, I am enthralled by my surroundings until I asked how long it had been since his last relationship. 

“Three Months,” he replied.
“FUCK,” I screamed internally.

Emotionally unavailable men that are fresh out of a relationship are my compulsive drug of choice, and I knew the fun would be short lived. I felt a part of myself shut down, knowing this romance would not progress. Meanwhile, I was avoiding the other glaring reality, that I am just passing through these parts for the summer.

I know in my heart he is not ready for me, yet I do not want to walk away from the newly developed fireworks inside my belly. He was fierce in defending his emotional availability, yet I heard sadness in his voice as he reflected on the love he had for his last romantic partner. I know this pain all too well. I have hung on to my own past partners for years past their expiration date, and this one was fresh. Emotional crumbs are not part of my diet anymore, but the hunger to get my immediate needs met was still present.

We decided to go on a second date, and we were both excited as hell to see each other again. We traded playlists and our favorite songs, getting to know each other through the intimacy of music. The undertone of love addiction was ever present as I desperately wanted to hold on to the fantasy I was actively creating in my head.

Upon arrival to our second date which consisted of an evening of acro-yoga and canoeing, my body froze. I was suddenly all in my head. I was scared shitless of having all of my messy emotional cards out on the table. Where could I hide? I witnessed as the 4-year-old me surfaced — the me who feels unlovable but is willing to perform in order to receive love. I was awkward, uncomfortable, and I attempted to avoid the pauses of natural silence with compulsive curious questions. I internally questioned if he was even attracted to me or if I was attracted to him, and I became ashamed of my over highlighted cheeks and mascara brushed eyelashes. 

The date was magical and there was plenty of laughter; however, under the beauty of the full moon, I felt somewhat inadequate.

As an overachiever with a desire to confront this pain, I immediately scheduled sessions with two of my coaches to dive deeper into the arising wounds. We discovered that three internal childhood wounds were clashing into each other and creating fear to keep me safe. As a child, I took on the role of as an emotional caregiving adult, which suppressed my playful, silly, fun adventurous side. This wild, unruly adventurous part of me wanted so desperately to come out and play yet she didn’t really know how.

My inner little girl also learned to feel shame around her body at a young age and looked for safety in it’s concealment. Even though she desperately wanted to feel free in her skin, there was a greater force of obligation to stay pious.

And then there was my voice containing my desires, wants and dreams. My little girl has always felt needy and annoying when openly asking for exactly what she desires. An inner belief that she will be shut down or manipulated in her truth. Especially when it comes to communicating her needs to men. This contention of all three beliefs has been the root cause of the emotional and sexual anorexia I am now recovering from as an adult. When an attraction to a man takes place, these three terrified parts of me become activated, overwhelm ensues and I will shut down completely.

I decide to be brave and share with Simon that it has been a year since I have been intimate with another man, and immediately feel ashamed as I witness the shock on his face. I saw the truth of my sexuality and it’s deprivation in his eyes—a consistent pattern of neglect fully realized.

While Simon and I both agreed to just be “friends”, I knew I was being dishonest with my desires.

The gnawing in my stomach of regret and suppressed sexual desire took over after we swam naked in a secret tucked away watering hole as “friends”. Who the hell was I kidding?

After the date ended, I proposed that we spend the next three weeks in a sexual exploration under the theme of “Adam and Eve go to Summer Camp.” We would have fun, go on dates, have fun exploratory sex, and create boundaries of safety that were mutually agreed upon.  My empowered voice, sexuality and fun adventurous side were dripping with love for self as they arrived at the surface to be fully seen for the first time in a healthy way. I let go of the outcome and stood emotionally naked in my desires. At the same time, fear, starvation, and anorexia wrapped around my insides like jellyfish tentacles.

My appetite was suppressed. I was going to the bathroom constantly and my nervous system was vibrating in panic. The death process was brutal as I waited for an answer to my proposal. After three days of dreadful waiting, my proposal was declined by Simon. He was not in the right headspace, and I appreciate his candor.

While my empowered state and disappointment vacillated, I couldn’t help but look at this chapter as pure magic in the school of life. Simon was brought into my life to be a wildly adventurous teacher and bring me so much joy in a short period of time even if it ended in disappointment. He unleashed a part of me that had been lying dormant for years and for that I am beyond grateful. Now it is time to take these skills cross country as I land in Sandpoint,  Idaho. A sleepy resort town with simple kind men. I hope they are ready for this newly awakened Goddess energy….

Edited by Patrick Shannon