HOW I LEARNED TO GO ALL IN ON LIFE

I’ve tried many things in my life but have mastered few.  When a new idea or romantic crush comes into my energy field, a wild laser show creeps into every orifice of my body. Picture an amphetamine filled Napoleon Dynamite dancing his heart out  – that is how I feel when I get a hit of inspiration. It’s madness. Once upon a time, I spent just over a year intently studying Judaism with an incredible rabbi, bought a huge library of Jewish books and eventually converted to Judaism. I was determined to convert and my rabbi asked me, “Are you sure you want to do this?” and all I kept thinking was, “ I didn’t come this far, to only come this far”. Once I crossed my internal finish line and I was officially “Jewish” and my classes ended, so did my love affair with Judaism. My interest slowly diminished as the external challenge faded.

I most recently fantasized about leaving everything behind in Baltimore to a small island on the other side of the world for a guy that I have met once...on Zoom. He had a sexy British accent and I was bored. What can I say? The fantasies are always creeping in and reality is my only savior.

When I’m entranced by my own fantasies it feels like I have found the keys to the kingdom. The answers to all of my deepest desires. A tinge of superiority for what I believe to know is absolute truth. I am all in like OJ Simpson when he slipped on that black leather glove during his trial. 

Whether it’s a made up “Twin Flame,” a new co-dependent friendship, or a business idea, it doesn’t matter. I get excited as hell, dive right in, and get bored as hell just a few weeks or months later when reality hits. For so long, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t commit to something, anything longer term. Was it because I was a spoiled millennial? I knew I was intelligent and a brilliant problem solver and that I was given amazing natural gifts that I kept self sabotaging. I couldn’t figure out how to use these super powers in a healthy way. I also couldn’t understand how I could be so hyper focused on something or someone and transition into complete repulsion just a short while later. 

That was until I entered 12-step recovery. Don’t worry, I’m not going to try to sell you on the cult that saved my life. 

Instead, I’m going to share how something actually kept my attention for 27 months and counting (I’m still an infant in the program), despite it being so brutally confronting that, at times, I didn’t want to live anymore.  It made me stay accountable to myself.  I didn’t receive any external pay offs like a completion certification, and there were absolutely no accolades awarded besides a round of applause and a plastic chip.  This is a story about how I went all in and kept showing up regardless of what resistance and complacency grew within me. 

I wanted to learn how to cultivate healthy relationships, but at the time, I couldn’t recognize a healthy relationship if it landed on my doorstep. The beginning was grueling. But when I winced, they said, “keep coming back,” so I did. Subjecting myself to the pain defied every self-preservation instinct I had. But they said, “It works if you work it,” so I did. I committed to my recovery and the motivation to take direction slowly overpowered the will to hold onto my old habits. 

After a morning of step study,  I stood on the front stoop of a coffee shop with a fellow in recovery, and I relayed my utter disbelief around how committed I was to the process. “I’ve never known myself to be this person I am currently experiencing,” I explained. “What is going on with me?”

“Maybe that’s it,” she replied. “You haven’t cared about anything as much as what you are focusing on right now, and there is no end.” I was dumbfounded by her declaration. I was filling my life with all kinds of people, places and things, but what I really wanted I couldn't describe and it felt unattainable. Peace and serenity were things I thought I would “accomplish” from moving fast and working hard. However, I had obtained neither with my life design.  

I realized the only way I would make substantial changes in my life would be to slow down, go one step at a time, and accept that there was no end to the process.  Oh, and it would be messy as hell. I had to be ‘all in.” And the “all in” would only be reserved for things that I really cared about to my core. I do not have the energy to invest intentionally in more than three areas of my life at once and those areas of focus need to positively support all other areas of my life. Setting boundaries for myself was difficult, but it allowed me to channel my focus and live a bigger life.

By narrowing my goals, every aspect of my life changed rapidly even though, in the moment, the process felt incredibly slow. External manifestations began to take place as I focused on taking care of my insides. I cut out alcohol by choice recently, which are words I never thought I’d utter in my lifetime. I dropped 20 pounds naturally as my body no longer needed the protection and landed on a body weight that feels more natural and healthy. Sleep shifted from a chore to a top priority and relationships went from manic to a slow build to intimacy if earned. My community nourishes my soul and supports me as I continue to be courageous and honest with myself. And all of the sacrifices opened me up to unlock a fulfilling career supporting other big hearted entrepreneurs with big visions. I could not be more proud of my spiritual practice and the relationship it cultivates with my inner being. I thoroughly enjoy the never-ending growth process. 

While dating as a recovering emotional anorexic is still the biggest uphill climb, I am so grateful for where I am in the journey. I feel empowered by my dating plan and am encouraged by the new connections coming into my life–even when fantasy creeps in and knocks me out of reality. I now have the tools to get back to center. 

Simply put, the key to my success is recognizing that the journey is never ending and my imperfections make me perfect. It gives me the stamina and motivation to keep going. I will always find the peak quickly if I know where the finish line is, and I only want to invest myself in what appears infinite otherwise my ambitious mind will burn out quickly. My ego always wants to be first and there is no first place in this race.

Usually the “all in” areas of our life are the scariest because we don’t believe we could live with ourselves if it didn’t match up to our fantasy. What if it was even better than the fantasy? If you are really honest with yourself, what areas of your life are you investing in that are just a distraction, and where do you have the opportunity to go all in?