An attempt at Conscious Partnership

As I embraced emotional sobriety a year and a half into codependency recovery, the universe brought me a romantic partner in true Katie Shannon style.  I was hiking twenty minutes from home during the beginning of COVID-19, prancing through the woods with no phone or remembrance of where I parked my brand new mini cooper. I was lost. I hadn’t seen another human for an hour, and my  insides jolted when I saw him.   As the hopeless tears began to surface, a handsome mountain biker barreled around the corner. I waved him down.  I struggled to share my confusion and broken directions of where I “think” I parked, and he calmly offered to walk with me in pursuit of my car. Ironically, his vehicle was parked just a few meters from mine. I felt a sense of ease come over me as I boldly offered my digits and told him, “You should call me”. 

Prior to waving down strangers on the trail, the thought of putting myself out there in the messiness of dating often made me want to adopt five cats and just call it a day.  I had not expressed interest in anyone since entering codependency recovery around a breakup on New Years in 2018. Luckily, Covid-19 and it’s climate of social distancing is boundary heaven for the emotional anorexic. 

Even with this new sass in my step, the internal interrogation of judgement and self-sabotage continued to cloud my mind.  It was time to put the new tools I learned in codependency recovery  into practice and attempt to remove all expectations except, “Do I want to see this person again?” 

I checked in with recovery friends before and after dates and attempted to stay present in my body and heart, which felt healthier than being in my brain. The whiplash between romantic obsession and fantasy emerged, and I was subjected to the disease of being unable to express my emotional needs that has plagued me since I was a little girl. I continued to show up when I checked in with my heart, and it said softly, “Just keep going!”. So I obliged.

For the next two months, we enjoyed each other’s company and developed a conscious relationship while hiking on the weekends. Instead of jumping into bed, we got to really know each other and express what nervous emotions were coming up for each of us. I kept track of which version of myself arrived at each date and how my insides influenced my exterior actions. There was one day that I felt like I was going to throw up and my body was screaming “EJECT!”  I realized it was a sign of deeper intimacy emerging. My brain was going down a list of reasons why this was not going to work, and I desperately tried to find an escape plan that involved me not being at fault. My brain was ON FIRE. He held space for me as I had a breakdown (internal temper tantrum) which ended up becoming an emotional breakthrough.

I became keenly aware of when I was authentic rather than manipulative or reactive. The more I surrendered my judgments, the more my heart led with confidence and integrity. I had no clue what I was doing and instead just trusted the next right step.

Then something magical happened: my confidence grew as I showed up more authentically and stated exactly how I felt. I began to embrace my sexuality and my bold power in a non manipulative way.  There was equal space for my light to shine bright and my sultry darkness to emerge without shame.  I practiced leaning in to myself and enjoying the fullness of someone else appreciating it all.

My old friends of avoidance, low self-esteem, and control were always waiting to be tapped in to comfort my fear of intimacy if needed. They kept a thumb hovered over the eject button, but their presence weakened. 

While the relationship with the mountain biker only lasted a few months, we both learned A LOT and appreciated the relationship immensely. I am a true believer that the universe brings us the perfect people at the perfect time to teach us the lessons we need to evolve. The same can be true when people are taken out of our lives abruptly.  Every self-nurturing decision felt as if I was being selfish, yet it proved to be the right one long term. With enough trust, time and the right person, it will begin to feel like a strong muscle. 

In the meantime, I will continue putting myself out there, and continue to practice as much as I can while enjoying the best vibrators on the market. Consciously.