THE BEAUTIFUL DEATH OF MY STRAIGHTNESS
It was mid-morning in Eugene, Oregon which means there were overcast skies, leaves on the ground, and “Black Lives Matters” signs outnumbering black residents. Eugene is a paradigm of political correctness. They call the homeless “unhoused,” as if the syntactic change was the starter fluid for real change. It made me think about my old stomping grounds of Washington, DC and how we created new “correct” names and attitudes for the rest of our nation, however we didn’t actually believe we would be held accountable for using them ourselves. That sounded like a lot of work.
I wake up at my friend Martha’s place who has graciously let me stay with her for three weeks in Eugene. Martha also happened to be one of my previous boss’. It’s worth noting that she almost fired me due to my insubordination and belief that, as a catering manager, I should be running the entire hotel — one of the many signs pointing me to become an entrepreneur.
I hurriedly got ready to go on a hike with a friendly acquaintance I met in February of 2020 during an Ayahuasca retreat in the mountains of Columbia. As I hear a knock on the door, I turn the knob to the outside where she is patiently waiting for me in her form fitting hiking attire and snapback. My eyes collide with Lisa’s wide, full-bodied smile and stunning hazel eyes. My heart sank down into my chest. I was transported into a universe of emotions that I had not yet experienced on this plane. It felt warm, resonant, and full of undeniable wild attraction. It was not infatuation or achy like I had so often felt in the past with a new love interest. Instead I felt calm, confident and observed my intrigue. I had found my equal. I watched her every gesture with amusement and wonder. Instead of my body being on fire, it felt sensual with warm lava moving from my head to my toes. I couldn’t help but love being in my body at this moment as I gazed in her direction with awe.
She explained that she was going through a divorce with her ex-wife, who I also met on the Ayahuasca retreat. We both shared how the last eighteen months had forced us to let go of all people, places and things that were not serving the people we were becoming and the heartbreak that went along with those changes. The medicine we ingested weeks before the country went into lockdown had been working on both of us, and we had much to share. On the trail, I watched myself examining and swooning over her curves. She was a beautiful creation, balancing both her feminine and masculine attributes with mastery. I had never met anyone like her, and I realized that my previous self would have never been able to fully see her in all of her stunning power.
I kept my attraction close to my heart and did my best not to suppress the feelings of being insanely attracted to another woman. There was an undeniable chemistry between us that was expressed in our banter and how we interact with the world — perfect compliments to our respective neurosis and desire for inner growth. Both of us were clear in what we wanted out of life and in any kind of future partnership. At this point, she saw me as being straight as an arrow when it comes to my sexuality. Underneath, however, she had a deep understanding that there was a connection between us, yet she gave me time to meet myself there.
We winded down our hike in the woods together and Lisa dropped me off in downtown Eugene to meet Martha. As Lisa drove away, I looked at Martha and exclaimed, “Holy shit! I have feelings for Lisa!” I couldn’t hide this overwhelming feeling of full-on “Fuck Yes” energy and confidence running through my veins. The sexual and emotional starvation didn’t stand a chance to the obvious attraction I had for this woman. I did not want to leave Eugene without telling her how I felt.
Two nights later, I drove downtown and met Lisa for dinner. We were both nomads looking for a home. She was moving in and out of her old home she once shared with her ex-wife. I asked my higher power to give me a nudge when it was time to share my inner feelings of attraction and promised myself that I would not rush it even though it was all I could think about. I didn't dare think about what would happen after I told her as that would have taken me down a rabbit hole of fear and overwhelming intimidation. I obviously didn’t know what I was doing.
My only interaction romantically or sexually with another woman was making out with my close friends in college and that one drunken hook up with a friend at a Trump Hotel down in Panama City, Panama. What happens when you mix three bottles of Trump Rose, a bathtub in the middle of the hotel room, and Justin Bieber’s version of Despacito on repeat? Two drunk straight girls having a messy girl on girl experience followed by cheeseburgers and passing out in separate beds. I digress.
Even with two homeless, I mean “unhoused,” men getting in a street fight within fifteen feet of our dining table we couldn’t take our eyes off of each other or break conversation. It wasn’t until later into our two hour dialogue that Lisa asked, “So how has dating men worked for you on the road.”
THIS. WAS. IT.
Without a second thought, I replied, “Actually, I think I am exploring my attraction to women.”
With wide eyes and a sly smile, she asked, “Since when?”
“Since Tuesday when you arrived on my doorstep,” I exclaimed with cool, grounded confidence.
I still have no idea who the hell showed up to that dinner in place of me. The me I knew would have never let her true feelings be known without a guarantee that the other person felt the same way. It turned out that my bold proclamation in Maine to Simon and it’s subsequent rejection paid off. I was able to channel my “Give 0 Fucks energy” and just state my truth without expectation.
My truth was out for Lisa to receive. I told her how I felt the moment I opened the door and about the attraction that continued to build every time we interacted. I loved myself even more when I was around her. I felt free.
As I came up for air and awaited a response, she offered another sly grin and asked, “Do you want to hear my experience?”
I was a little terrified yet trusting.
“I was immediately drawn to you the minute I laid eyes on you in Columbia. I shut it down immediately due to my loyalty to being in a relationship.”
She went into detail of how she felt when we were in the ceremony together. We realized the irony of being next to each other every night receiving medicine, and again in the mornings as we sweat out our previous evening’s emotional purging in the Innipi (ceremonial sweat lodge). Utter perfection and perfectly unplanned.
As the night progressed, I went from empowerment and trust to, “Oh fuck, what do I do now?” I became innocent and timid as Lisa sensed my tension between wanting to be close to her and not knowing how to make the first move. As Lisa has been in relationships with women since she was 17, I allow her to lead the way and I timidly hand over my power.
We finished dinner and walked with her arm around my waist. My nervous system exploded with fire. The intimacy drove my body into a code five emergency. I continued to breathe and attempted to settle into my body, but my little girl was screaming for safety. I just kept fucking going. Meanwhile, Lisa could feel what was going on inside me, and she provided grounding and safety in her words without pointing out what I was going through. She pulled me close yet gave me enough room to be. My inner straight girl was dying a slow death as she entered into her bi-sexuality. The spirit of truth and safety of my pain collided internally to create utter chaos.
We arrived at Lisa's bed and breakfast and stood in the garden next to a beautiful gazebo. I was nervous. So nervous. Lisa was calm and sweet. A sweetness that I am growing to love and cherish in it’s authenticity. She asked if it was ok to kiss me, and I nodded while remaining terrified. I knew there was no turning back once my lips landed on hers.
As we embraced and kissed for the first time, I was immediately brought to what I have been looking for the last 37 years, and specifically the last 4 months of traveling: HOME. I was home in my body, I was home with another human being, and I was home with my truth. She was the teacher that was meant to bring me back to myself in all the ways I wanted to be seen. I was in awe at how sweet and feminine our kiss felt. I allowed myself to sink deep into my body and let her give generously as she embraced me closer to her.
Our souls recognized each other, and all of a sudden there was an inner knowing that this was not the first time our spirits had conversed. The mother of medicines Ayahuasca was back, and she was flowing through our bones for an entire week without actually ingesting any medicine. Boy did she have some truth to impart on us and our intended journey…..
Edited by Patrick Shannon