COVID-19: Unleashing my own wild

As I hear the news breaking of COVID-19, my insides start to jump around in anticipation like Santa has just arrived with my Barbie Ferrari at age 7. 

I reflected on my medicine journeys, my solo travel through Central America, and my co-dependency recovery work, all which (I believed) prepared me for the upcoming uncertainty. I subconsciously strapped on my Wonder Woman suit and stated internally,  "Put me in God, I'm ready to serve my people."

Little did I know that my own internal shit show was about to debut right as we all came down from the collective Joe Exotic high.  In fact, I would say the social isolation and uncertainty created the same effects of all of my medicine work and solo travel combined. It brought up even deeper unresolved emotional trauma to the surface like my unhealthy relationship with money, which is manifested by the high I get from repeatedly clicking the “Buy Now” button on Amazon. Thank you for distracting me from feeling. Or my complete and utter fear of intimacy, which made isolation too easy. That was until I uncontrollably over-ate almond crust pizza, a psychological oasis that makes me think I’m making good choices, and hit the bottom of my tolerance. I realized the restriction of love & intimacy and the purge of overeating have been long lost cousins who can’t live without each other. And I became aware that isolation made my unresolved issues reveal themselves known with an explanation point. 

“There is but one cause of human failure. And that is man’s lack of faith in his true self” -From a fortune cookie I opened the night before my Central America Self Love tour. 

What I realize now is that I am actually on a different kind of medicine journey, and the results are the same whether I’m in my new apartment in Baltimore or in the jungle of Central Columbia. In either case, my internal life becomes external, and it's up to me to decide if I want to drown it out with Peanut M&M's and expensive Tempranillo or transcend my inner painful story into personal power.

If I was writing this 3 years ago, I would say, "You’ll get lonely or bored if you don’t bring the big bag of Peanut M&M's and an extra bottle of Tempranillo, and don’t forget to pack some judgment & snark".

This time is different. 

Now, I lean into the pain as the tight energy rolls around in my chest and I want to jump out of my body. When it percolates to the surface and says, "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!", I stop what I am doing and breathe into that deep vibrating sensation of overwhelming discomfort.  I let it have it's way so it can teach me the message it's been trying to scream for years. "You are wild, you are wise, and you are the definition of courage." Crazy enough, this message does not kill me even though it feels like it could. I keep listening, and it doesn’t stop telling me what I need to know. “Go to your community,” it whispers, and I reach out to someone from my recovery tribe. I pour my heart out, and immediately, my crazy doesn’t feel so crazy. I actually feel relieved as they affirm familiarity with my story through “mm hmms” and chuckles. I am human again. 

As I continue to learn from all my teachers, including Covid-19, I am in awe of my resiliency and the hero’s journey itself. It is never over; it’s meant to be taken in communion with a tribe, and it keeps getting so damn interesting. I welcome you all to join the path to be the hero in your own story. 

Are you ready to be unapologetic about your own wild?

Let’s Talk.